Jesus Goes to High School
by Christhefireshark
Summary: Anything can have a High School AU. ANYTHING. God wants Jesus to meet people his own age, so he stops homeschooling him. Jesus, now at high school, soon learns he's good at making both friends and enemies. Short chapters, I'll update often.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Anything can be High School AU fic. **ANYTHING.** (Apologies if someone's done this already).

"Jesus Christ!"

"Yeah?"

"Time for school!"

Damn it. It had felt like the day would never come. For a while, I had kidded myself that it never would. And yet here it was, 24th of August, and I was going to school. For the first time ever.

I stumbled out of bed and threw on some clothes, eyes still shut. I knew my way around the house very well. I left my room and turned down the hall, without the need to see where I was going. My bare feet navigated the wooden floor of their own accord.

Even I had to open my eyes for the stairs. It took a moment for my vision to work at all, and even then everything was a colored blur. I forced my eyes open as wide as they would go, and eventually I was able to make my way downstairs.

I took a left and entered the kitchen, where I saw my father eating a bagel.

"Dad, can't we talk this over?" I knew it was a lost cause, but I really, really, didn't want to go.

"Son, I'm done homeschooling you. I know you wanted me to get you a tutor or something, but I've made up my mind. You barely have any friends, Jesus. You need to get out, to meet people. Have a life of your own! I never did." God looked sad, and I knew he was sincere. That didn't stop me from being annoyed. He always said he knew best, which got usually got on my nerves. And God never wanted me to do the stuff I wanted to do.

Maybe he was right this time. I really didn't know anyone my age, but I didn't think I was missing anything. Was I?

Maybe some distance from God was what I needed.

I realized that I hadn't answered him yet, so I gave a kind of generic nod. I poured myself some cereal and we ate in silence for a few minutes.

Ten minutes until school started. And _damn_ was I still tired.

"Hey Dad, can you give me a ride to school?"

"Jesus, it's like a couple blocks. You'll live."

And so, I walked out the door, with only a hurried goodbye to my father. My backpack weighed me down heavily. Luckily, this was a hilly part of town, and the school was much lower than my house. The walk to school would be easy, but for the way back, I'd be screwed.

I descended down the hill, following the road to Siddhartha Gautama High School. Ours was a small town, so I didn't think I'd have a problem finding my way around. Hopefully.

When I arrived at the building, it was almost time for school to begin. Everyone hurried towards the front doors, and I didn't really get time for a good look at anybody. By the time I reached the doors, a huge crowd surrounded me. I wasn't ready for this at all. But it was too late now. I made myself smile, and mentally assured myself that things couldn't be _that_ bad.

Luckily, the first thing was an assembly, so I didn't have to go to class right away. Some adults were herding everyone into the gym, which I can tell you was the largest room I'd ever seen. All of the bleachers were completely full, so I was stuck on the floor with a bunch of other kids. Most of them were chatting animatedly with each other. Of course, I didn't know anyone yet. There wasn't anything for me to talk about, so I kept my mouth shut and stared at the front, where some teachers were milling around.

Finally, an announcement came, from an elderly man who was probably the principal. "Good morning everyone, and welcome back to school! I know we're going to have a great year and…" Blah blah blah. I didn't know anyone could talk about having a great year and being happy to see everyone for five minutes, but he did. I tuned out for a while, and so did everyone around me. Some of them went back to talking with their neighbors. I just sort of looked at the floor.

Eventually, more speakers were called up, but they all said the same kinds of things and seemed exactly the same. The only deviation was the final speaker, who was just a kid. "Ladies and gentlemen, Student Body President Pilate!"

This one said pretty much the same things as all the staff did. In fact, he kept looking at them, as though for approval. Despite it all, he was a decent speaker. A pity he had nothing to say.

Bored out of my mind, I imagined myself as student body president. I'd actually do something. Still, I kind of doubted that these guys would put me in charge. I'd heard student elections are just popularity contests, and no one knew who I was.

That wouldn't last forever, of course. I was sure that by some point, I'd have some kind of reputation. I just didn't know what yet.

NEXT TIME:

Jesus attends classes, and makes a few new friends. Also, we get to meet Satan! :D


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: (I suppose I should honor tradition) I DON'T OWN THE BIBLE!

After the first, worst hour of school, things got a bit better, I suppose. They handed out schedules and sent us off to class. I didn't have to do much work, just because it was the first day. Most of the teachers just handed out their syllabi and explained them in excruciating detail.

Also, TV lied about being the new kid. No one dragged me up to the front and made me introduce myself, for which I was extremely grateful. A few people said "Hi" though, which was kind of nice. I was polite, but I might have seemed a little shy. I didn't really know anything about talking to people.

At around midday, we got to break for lunch. I sat with a random bunch of people. I didn't really catch most of their names, and they didn't really seem too interested in me. The food wasn't bad, either, so I mostly just ate.

Looking around the cafeteria, I noticed that a lot of people tended to cluster into certain groups. I got the attention of the guy next to me, a blonde kid with glasses and a friendly face.

"Hey," I said, "Who're those people over there?" I pointed at a table with a few pale teens that half the girls seemed to be staring at.

"Oh," he said, "That's the vampire crowd. The one in the middle is Ebony Way. They have this goth-kinda thing going on. They're basically harmless, just a little weird."

I just nodded; since I didn't really know anything about them I didn't want to judge them either way. "What about over there?" I asked. The largest table had a few dozen people, all centered around a tall kid with dark hair and a half-grown goatee. Each of them looked at him constantly, as though he was their boss. Even kids from other tables glanced towards him a lot.

"That's Satan and his friends." The kid didn't look happy talking about them.

"What are they like?"

"I dunno, they're OK, maybe. Satan doesn't do much, but most of his friends are assholes. And whenever they do something mean, they just blame Satan. But he never seems to get in trouble."

"Is he like a fall guy or something?"

"Sort of. Maybe. It's kind of weird. They all act like he's their boss."

"Huh." Satan didn't seem to be doing anything. He just sat there, eating and occasionally chatting with his friends. He did all the talking.

The rest of the day moved along well enough, at least until math. We were doing trigonometry, and I can honestly tell you it was the worst thing ever. The teacher, Mr. Varaha, was the only one who made us work on the first day, and it was impossible. He explained nothing but expected everything.

So anyway, I decided to cut a little class. Nothing too much. I just asked to go use the bathroom. When he let me go, I wandered around a bit. The halls were very quiet and peaceful at this time of day, while the bright afternoon sun shone through the windows. I liked it a great deal, but I wasn't alone for long.

After a while, I came across that Satan kid. He was with the girl called Ebony as well.

Ebony turned to face me angrily. "U prep leav me aloan! Get da hell owt!"

Satan put his hand on the girl's shoulder. "Cool it, Ebony. He didn't do anything."

"But hez probly going to—"

"_Quiet_," said Satan, with a hint of force in his voice. He turned towards me. "So, you're new here right?"

"Yeah," I said evenly. "I'm Jesus."

"So how come you're out here? Shouldn't you be in class?"

"Ah, bathroom break?"

Satan laughed. "Sorry pal, that's not going to cut it. You don't have to worry, man. Lots of people cut class for good reasons. Feeling a little down?"

"Not really. I don't know."

"Made any friends yet?"

"Not really."

"It can be hard to make friends here." He laughed. "I'm good at it, though. How about we hang out sometime?"

"Wut?" Ebony said. "Ud let dat prep hatr join us?" She looked very mad.

I looked awkwardly at both of them. "I don't think she'd like that much," I said, gesturing to Ebony.

Satan sighed and muttered a few words to Ebony, who left. "Walk with me, Jesus," he said.

He walked ahead, always leading. I followed, although I didn't really know what to expect.

"I'm sorry for my friend's behavior," Satan said. "Anyone can be friends with me, and I'll admit some of them aren't the nicest. But do you think she'd have a lot of friends without me?"

"She was sitting with a whole group at lunch." Was Satan a liar?

He nodded. "I know. She always does. But she and her 'friends' are always fighting. Some people can really be quite mean to each other. But I treat her well enough. And even if she's a bit annoying sometimes, she's really quite devoted."

"Devoted? You want devotion?"

"Of course not. But true friends develop it anyway." We had reached a door with a warning sign on it. "Come this way."

He led me up a flight of stairs, and eventually we reached a trap door above us. Satan popped it open and we both went through. I found myself on the roof of the building.

"Nice up here, isn't it? You can see quite a long way." I looked around and saw the neighborhood, the hills to the north, some shops, and a few cars on the roads. I could even see my house, I think, if I looked really hard.

"But I like to be up here for another reason," he continued. "Because everything under us is mine."

"What?"

"I have tons of friends, and they all have other friends themselves. I have connections all over the place! I guess I'm just a natural leader, but many, _many_, students like me. And if I ask them to do something, they'll do it!"

"You ask them to do things? Like what?"

"Nothing, usually. I just like the feeling of being the center of something. And I guess they like the feeling of being part of something."

"Honestly, that doesn't sound like my kind of thing, Satan."

He frowned. "I guessed that. I'm not going to make you do anything, Jesus. I have a great set of friends right here. And you're welcome to join us as much or as little as you want."

"I'll think about it," I said. I didn't want to hang out with Satan. He seemed all right, maybe, but I wanted a friend, not a boss. If what Satan said was true, (I guess he could have exaggerated) then his friends didn't sound like the type of people I'd want to be with. A group of friends having a leader seemed kind of odd to me. Maybe I just didn't know much about friendship.

Satan walked me back to class. We talked a bit more, but nothing important. I noticed he wasn't angry at all, or at least he didn't show it. He must not have cared whether I joined him or not.

Over the next few days, I slowly began to make new friends. I started to sit with the same people every day. Their names were Peter, Andrew, James, and John. We didn't talk about much meaningful, at least not yet. But they were friendly, and I was friendly, and things went OK. We talked about TV, or funny videos from the Internet, or schoolwork. Sometimes girls. James said this one girl named Mary Magdalene liked me, but I don't know. I've never seen her before.

More time passed without incident, but my little group was going to expand very soon.

NEXT TIME: Jesus' group of friends expands to twelve, more Satan, and Jesus begins to question himself as his friends develop the same sort of devotion Satan's friends have. But will he use this power for good or evi- Ah, you know the answer.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: There seems to be some variation with the names of the twelve disciples. I used Wikipedia's list for my story.

So, I was sitting with my new friends at school one October morning. My group had grown quite a bit since the beginning; it now featured twelve different guys. In addition to Peter, Andrew, James and John, I had now met Philip, Bart, Matthew, Thomas, James A., Thaddeus, Simon, and Judas. And things had gone pretty well for a while. I had surprised myself with my ability to make friends.

Anyway, we were all having lunch together. Nothing special. The school food really sucked of course, but we dealt with it.

Of course, fun times never seem to last forever. In this case, everything was ruined a bit by the arrival of Satan, who had been ignoring me since the last time we spoke.

I expected him to start going on and on about himself like last time, but that wasn't the case.

"Hey Judas, would ya mind sitting over here today?" Satan said.

"Sure, Satan." Judas turned to the rest of us. "I'll hang with Satan today, but I can join you guys tomorrow or something."

Judas hadn't told me that he was Satan's friend. And while I didn't care for Satan much, I wasn't going to judge my friend on who his other friends were.

Peter, on the other hand, seemed mad. And as I looked around the table, most of the others were too.

"What?" I said. "There's nothing wrong with Judas."

"That we know of," Peter said angrily. "I don't want to trust any of Satan's friends. They're the biggest bunch of assholes I've ever met!"

The others seemed to agree.

I tried to make my case. "Look, I don't see why that should have anything to do with Judas. Satan has a lot of friends; they don't all have to be bad!"

"Look, Jesus," Thaddeus said, "You and Satan are like, opposite! It's one side or the other!"

"I'm just a guy," I said. "I'm not like a leader or anything like Satan is."

I looked around the table. Was I?

No one answered, but I suddenly felt like the focal point around which the group revolved. Was I in charge? Was I the center of it all?

After an awkward pause, we resumed eating. And while everyone else talked and ate, I was thinking for the rest of lunch.

It was the end of the day, and the halls were packed as everyone rushed to leave. None of my friends were nearby, so I was alone for the moment, surrounded by both strangers and vague acquaintances. I got everything I needed from my locker, and headed in the general direction of the exit.

Suddenly, someone tapped on my shoulder. I turned slowly. It was Satan.

"Oh, hello Satan," I said. I hoped my voice sounded neutral.

"Hey Jesus," he said.

"So what're you here for?"

"Listen, Jesus," said Satan. "You need to start controlling your friends better."

"What? Why?"

"They've been giving my friends a hard time lately. Did you know that Peter hurt my bro Steve?"

"What? No way!"

"Yep," Satan said, a hint of vindictiveness in his voice. "Punched him right in the friggin ear. He bled, too."

"No!" I wasn't sure whether to believe it.

"And do ya know why?"

"Why?"

"Steve badmouthed you. Nothing too major. And Peter hurt him for it!"

"I'll talk to him."

"You'd better," Satan said. I was about to leave, but he continued. "You know, Jesus, we're not too different from each other. Our friends can all get pretty… zealous. They see us as their leaders. I do my best to control mine. Why don't you do the same for yours?"

He walked away, then. I don't know if he could tell, but he had disturbed me a bit. Would someone I know really get into a fight for me? Was I really the boss? Was friendship supposed to be like this?

I resolved to ask God. Maybe he'd help me out.

NEXT TIME: Jesus talks to God, and begins to realize that like it or not, he's a leader.


End file.
